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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This blog was started to help others know that they are not alone in their experiences. By sharing my experiences I hope to help others to know that they are not alone and that there is a God who loves them deeply.

It is hard to share some of my experiences but it is done to be an encouragement and to point them to God and that is the only reason.

God bless you and all I ask is that if these blogs help you, then please like, comment and share with others.

Thank you!

The Illusion of Light

In my last blog, The Labyrinth, God revealed Himself to me a second time. He poured His love over me and gave me the strength to not go in a deep tunnel the enemy wanted me to go down. I had to make a choice to either have an abortion or not. It didn’t matter that the very next day I found out I wasn’t pregnant, what mattered is what tunnel was I going to choose to go in to. In that moment of fear and pain, I felt the peace to choose life over death. When I made that choice, I felt God’s love and peace cover me. I saw light in the darkness. 

Now you would think that after that experience I would run to God and dedicate my life to Him.  Sadly that was not the case, I didn’t run to Him and I did not pursue God.  I really had no firm grasp of who God was or really understood His word at all.  I had very little direct teaching of His word or His Spirit and I didn’t have strong role models to help nuture me in the faith. I did however have plenty of examples of how not to pursue God.  And at my age, it was all about me and how I felt. 

My senior year of high school was soon ending and I was getting close to graduating and going to college.  In spite of all the things I went through, I managed to get three scholarships to a private Christian college in music, academics and a work scholarship. I don’t know how I managed that but now feel it was by the grace of God and His leading. During the summer that I graduated, I ended my relationship with my “wild friend” and became friends with two of my senior graduates. I also took a job at a local newspaper as a telemarketer.  Although on the outside it looked like my life was stating to turn around for the better, my spirit was still sitting in a dark deep tunnel in the labyrinth, with no light and no desire to get out. 

While working at the paper, I met a very unusual man, who talked about Jesus all the time and carried a bible everywhere he went. He was in his early forties and I later came to find out he was living at the local men’s homeless shelter.  He didn’t look homeless at all as he was very nicely dressed and always appeared to be very clean.  Most people avoided him but I wanted to find out more about his faith.  We began to meet often and always in public, to talk about Jesus. I had so many questions and I was so hungry to learn more.  He did seem very knowledgeable about the bible and appeared to have a very close relationship with God, which drew me even closer to him.  He was always very respectful and there was nothing romantic about our relationship or so I thought. I could feel my spirit starting to want to get up and look for the light to get out of the tunnel and find my way out. 

I told this man very early on that I would be leaving at the end of summer to go to college but I did ask him if I could write to him with more questions about his faith.  He said yes and he appeared to be happy for me going off to college. So off to college I went, trying to acclimate to college life.  I did write to him a couple of times, but got very busy with navigating my work schedule along with my class schedule and soon stopped writing.  About six months went by and one night after coming out of the dorm showers, I hear this girl yelling down the hall that I had a phone call.  Now this was way before cell phones and the only phone we had on our dorm floor was the pay phone. So I went to answer the phone and I heard this voice slowly start to speak. “Becky is that you?” I said “Yes it is, who is this?” It was the man that started teaching me about Jesus and the bible. He began to talk very irrationally and his voice got louder and louder.  It was hard to make out what he was saying but I finally heard him say, ” Why did you stop writing to me?”  I asked him how he got this number and he said he called my house phone and my dad had given him this number. I told him that I just got busy with school and totally forgot.  He got extremely angry and then began to tell me that he was leaving all he owned to me, that he was in love with me and that he didn’t want to be on this earth anymore. He told me that he was in a motel, had a shotgun and he was leaving all of his things to me in one large suitecase and he wanted me to come and pick it up from the police once they found his body. 

At that point I think I went into shock. I don’t remember what I said or what he said.  I found out later that a girl was overhearing my conversation and called campus security. They somehow had me ask him which motel he was at and when we found out his location, campus security called the local police. They somehow found him and he did have a shotgun, which went off when I was on the phone with him but he was fine and the police took him in and had him committed.  The minute I heard the gun go off, I collapsed.  The next thing I remember was slowly waking up to people hovering around my dorm room door. The tunnel got very dark and I felt nothing but despair.  It was like sinking into darkness with no way out and no desire to fight it. 

Before any of this happened, I was dating a Christian boy when I first started college. We dated for a couple of months but my roommate didn’t feel he was right for me and kept trying to hook me up with “this jock”. I didn’t like jocks at all and tried my best to avoid the topic. After about three months, the Christian boy broke up with me.  He was a nice guy, but really didn’t have a heart for me. He just wanted someone to help him with the college paper and run errands for him. I honestly think he only dated me because I was his best helper and he felt obligated. After he broke up with me, I felt rejected by him and God again. 

The boy my roommate was trying to get me to go out with did try to ask me out and I eventually said yes but stood him up on the first date. I really didn’t like him and thought he was too full of himself and only wanted one thing.  When this horrible event happened, guess who was right by my side? The boy that my roommate wanted me to go out with, the same boy I stood up. He took care of me, kept people away from me and protected me during that emotional time. He didn’t ask anything of me and he sat for days without us talking at all. He would bring food to me and get whatever I needed without me ever really asking. I had never experienced such devotion in my life. He looked at me with eyes of love and compassion and it scared me but at the same time I felt at home for the first time in my life. This boy later became my husband who I have been married to for thirty two years. God had somehow brought someone in the flesh that could express His love for me, His unconditional love for me and I was overwhelmed. 

Although the enemy tried to reel me in with an “illusion of light” God broke through with a physical manifestation of His love and began to pour in me what in my whole being was crying out for and that was to be loved, geniual loved for who I was and not what they could rip out of me. This boy was my soul mate and my “Hope Out Of The Darkness”.

The Labyrinth

It is taken me some time to write this blog. First of all it’s a topic that a lot of people are discussing today and it’s very politically charged. Another reason is I wanted to make sure I have my facts straight. As I wrote in the last blog “Identity Crisis”, as a child I wanted nothing more than to be a boy. When I began my teenage years that feeling was still there.  I know that not only did I have feelings for boys, I also had feelings for girls as well. You could say I just wanted anybody to love me and I think that was a strong emotion that pulled me in a lot of different directions.  What I later came to understand is God was really trying to get me to climb out of the pit, but that was just to hard for me to do or so I thought. Instead of looking up and seeing the light what I ended up doing was looking around me and finding different openings to crawl through, very much like a labyrinth.  See I thought it was much easier to crawl through other holes down in the pit than to actually look up and try to climb out. To give you some context, I will try to summarize my emotional attachment to other people as unhealthy as they might’ve been, it was my way of trying to get to the light but finding nothing but dead ends.

 Two years after my mother died, my parents bought another house in a different town and I later found out that my parents deleiberatly put my sister in the bedroom that used to be a “boys” room and made sure that I got the “girls” room. They were scared to death that I would become a liesbian.  I tried to conform to being a girl. I started kissing boys, which was very odd to me and usually ended up really bad. The first time I frenched kissed a boy, he put dip in his mouth as a joke with his friends. I quickly spit it out and then proceeded to beat him up. One spring day, I was in my parents bedroom near the window and the window was open. I could hear him telling his friends that he actually had gone “all the way with me”. I was furious and ran outside to beat him up again. When he saw me, he started running just as fast as he could. I picked up a rock and threw it right at him which in turn hit him in the head and knocked him out. The first dead end.

Two years passed as I tried to fit in as a girl. Boys seeemed interested in me, but never for too long because my temper was short and I always would fight them if I didn’t get my way. I just didn’t act like a typical girl. At the end of my ninth grade year, a boy noticed me in a way that I was not familiar with. He told one of his friends that he thought I was beautiful, and I was stunned by this. I felt my heart racing in my chest. I thought he liked and acceppted me as I was. I so long to be excepted and loved by anybody. We started dating and I totally threw myself into the physical relationship but came to find out that although he was attracted to me, all he wanted was a conquest and he couldn’t carry on a conversation to save his life. He didn’t really want to know me but just wanted the physical satisfaction that boys usually want; which I did not give him. So I ended it.  Deadend number two.
At the beginning of my tenth grade year, I saw a boy in the cafeteria at school , who looked older and had kind eyes. I later found out that he actually was interested in me, to my surprise. We started dating and became friends. We both loved music and I came to find out he was a Christian. He didn’t even kiss me until the fifth date. We truly became friends and I began to become interested in being a girl. After a year of dating we actually talked about getting married after I graduated. He was already attending college and we saw each other almost every weekend. One day he called me on the phone and we began to talk about the wedding. He asked me “which church do you want to get married in, yours or mine”. I told him that I didn’t go to church and didn’t believe in religion. He became very quiet over the phone and said, after a very long pause, “Oh Becky we can’t get married. I can’t marry someone who isn’t a Christian”. I felt complete rejection and all the trauma I felt as a child came flooding in. I got really angry and told him to come over and get his promise ring, that it was over between us. He came over that weekend and I went to meet him in the driveway. His eyes were full of tears but I didn’t care, all I felt was anger. I handed him his promise ring and he grabbed me and sobbed on my shoulder. I let him cry but couldn’t feel anything. That was it, I hated everyone! Dead end number three and the tunnel was getting smaller and smaller and I could barely squeeze through. Not only did this boy reject me but I also felt that God had rejected me and this was a complete devastation on my trying to find Him. The enemy did a good work in this tunnel.

After that I got involved with a girl at school and thought that I was actually attracted to her. She was one of those girls that other girls talked about. Rejected by everyone and I felt at home with her. I began drinking with her and going on double dates but I just wanted to hang out with her. She was wild and crazy and I felt it was the two of us against the world. She was a misfit and I was too so I felt like we were a complete pair.  She would date different guys all the time and I would tag along with her and she would “hook” me up. One of those “hook” ups led me to being date raped. After that I was done! I wasn’t interested in boys or girls. Loving someone was leaving yourself open for abuse. I never told anyone about any of the trauma in my life but just bottled it up thinking that I was a bad person and deserved all the abuse I got. Approximately two months after the rape, I thought I was preganant. That time of the month had not come and I didn’t know what to do. My parents had decided to go visit my step mom’s parents for the weekend and I was left alone in the house. My dad took prescription pills for an old football injury to his knee and I knew where he kept them. All I wanted to do was not feel anything anymore so I decided to take the pills. The cave began to calapse and I couldn’t feel love or hope at all, all I could do was feel the terrible pressure and pain in my soul. 

I don’t remember how many I took, so I am not sure if I had taken enough to end my life but I did swallow a lot of them. I felt very sleepy and decided to go to bed. I had no thought about where I would go if I died or if anyone would even care if I died. I just wanted the pain to stop! The enemy had his full grip on me and I was fully emerged in darkness. The next thing I remember is the other boy who was dating my girlfriend at the time, called me. He said he felt something was wrong and wanted to make sure I was ok. I could barely talk and can not to this day remember what I said. I think I passed out again. The next thing I remember is waking up to him banging on my door and I sluggishly walked downstairs and opened it and then passed out again. Then I felt very cold water on my head and running down my clothes. I threw up and started to scream but he just held me up and kept running the cold water over me as I continued to throw up. He then put new pajamas on me and put me to bed and watched over me all night. When I woke up he was gone and I was still alive. 

 That afternoon my parents came back from their trip and I acted like everything was ok. I guess the boy who had taken care of me had told my girlfriend and the boy that had raped me what had happened because the boy who had raped me called. He asked why I had tried to kill myself and I told him that I didn’t want to be here anymore and that I thought I was preganant. He then said that we could get married if I wanted to and I told him there was no way in hell I would marry him and I hung up. I knew at that point I would have to tell my parents. I was so scared and didn’t know what I was going to do but I knew I had to tell them. That following weekend I sat down with my step mom and I told her that I might be preganant, I didn’t tell her that I was raped. My stepmom then took me to another town and we bought a pregnancy kit.  Neither one of us could remember whether or not I actually took the test, we just both remember that we went to the store to buy the pregnancy test.  My dad never found out about any of this.

All kinds of thoughts were racing in my mind. What if I have the baby, I would be a terrible mother! I don’t want my baby to go through the hell that I went through. I have to have an abortion, that would be the only right thing to do right? At that moment I heard a small voice speak to me, 
                   “It’s alright, I’m here, don’t be afraid, remember you’re not alone!”

 I fell on my knees and prayed; “God if that is You, please tell me what to do. I am so sorry, please forgive me and help me!” At that moment I knew in the deepest part of me that I couldn’t have an abortion. I would face the consequences of my actions and I would not take a life just to make mine easier. I would have the baby and would trust God to help me. When I made that decision, I felt a peace and love like I felt when I ran to the altar. I didn’t feel alone and I knew everything would be alright. With all of the rubble and dust and darkness that was surrounding me God pierced through it and showed me his light gave me hope again and helped me to get back up and be able to have the hope that I might be able to climb out of the pit.

I believe with all my heart that when we make decisions that do not align with God’s design for our lives, the enemy will attack us with pain and confusion. He will convince us that who we are is a mistake and that we have the right to make choices that seem right for us, to make our lives better. We chase after love, acceptance, satisfaction, and power to make what we think is the right decision for our lives. These are the caves in the labyrinth. He deceives us in thinking we have the right to live however we want and when we are faced with the consequences, then he tells us that it wasn’t because of our decisions but because other people are wrong and bad or worse that God is bad and evil. This is a lie! These are the dark caves that the enemy tries to get us to crawl into. When we do not submit ourselves to His will and protection, we are fair game for the enemy. If we listen to that voice of self will or what culture tells us is right, it will lead to destruction. Destruction to others whom you will hurt or ultimately it will lead to the wide road that leads to destruction. (Matthew 7:13). 

May I encourage you please take the road that is narrow,  pick up your cross and follow Him! It may look like the harder way out but in the end it is much easier and it’s filled with a lot less pain then if you choose to stay down at the bottom of the pit and crawl through the labyrinth that the enemy tries to carve out for you to go through.  That way is only destruction.   God is the only way out, He(Jesus Christ) is the only truth and the only light. Go to Him, do the hard work, climb up and He will help you, He will give you the strength that you need to find “Hope out of the darkness”. 

Stuck In The Pit

I wish I could tell you that things turned around for me when I heard God’s voice the night my mother died, but I can’t.  I don’t remember anyone helping me through the grief of my mother’s death.  Everyone seemed to be caught up in their own pain and dealing with the plans of the funeral, so that my sister and I were left alone again, to deal with our own pain. It seemed that the only attention my sister and I got was when we acted up or disobeyed a rule, then we definitely got attention, obut it was always bad attention.  My sister tried so hard to be the “good girl” and would hide away anytime there was conflict in the family.  I, on the other hand, did all the “bad” things to get attention, even if it meant a beating, just to get someone to notice me. 

All I remember in the days that followed my mother’s death, was seeing her body at the viewing.  I remember thinking that she looked so different.  I remember her when I was younger as being someone who was so beautiful; cold, distant, but beautiful.  The women I saw lying in the coffin was old, large and worn down.  I didn’t know how to feel about what I was looking at, except sad and once again, alone. I remember at the funeral sitting at the side of the church where all the family was sitting and seeing my half-brother in ankle and waist prison chains.  I didn’t dare look at his face, I couldn’t! To this day I can’t tell you what he looks like, even how tall he was or the color of his eyes or hair.  All I remember is the chains.  I don’t remember the service or her body being buried or even what happened after the funeral.  All I remember is how I felt.  I felt alone, helpless and scared.  I didn’t feel God, where did He go?  If He said He would never leave me, then where was He when I needed Him the most?  I was right back in that pit and at that moment I felt I would never be able to get out.  I had  no peace, no love and no light to find my way out, even if I wanted to get out. 

I have come to realize that I was not told the truth about God. The enemy was working overtime to keep me in the dark. I lived in the part of the United States that had a church on every corner and everyone who said they were Christians went to church every Sunday.  They smiled and greeted you at the door when you walked in, they would preach sermons of fire and brimstone, which made me feel that I was doomed to live in hell while I was here on earth and that I would spend eternity in hell after I died. No one shared the truth of who Christ was and the power that I had through His death and resurrection. Instead the enemy used the people in the church to pour dirt in that pit and hid the light of His love and power from me.  

You asked how did they do that to me?  They did that by not speaking life into me!  You see the enemy uses the evil in this world to hurt people. Sin causes death and when that death happens to a persons soul and they choose to allow that sin to consume them, then their soul begins to die!  When that death starts to happen they can run to God for healing and protection or they can give up and allow themselves to fall into the pits of despair, anger, depression and the list goes on.  When they do that, some people will give up and not try to look beyond their own pain and worse some will begin to hurt others.  Some will start to ignore others needs, they will become selfish in protecting themselves at best or at worse, start to use and abuse others. Some will try to get over in their own strength for awhile and think they have their pain beat.  This world has so many “self help” books on how to improve their life’s or how to overcome depression, anxiety and the list goes on. Others will go to counseling, which can be a good thing if it leads you to Jesus and His healing power, and yet others will look to doctor’s to prescribe them pills to get over the pain.  These steps in and of them selves are not necessarily bad things but what I have learned is the only way to be truly healed and on the way to getting out of the pit, is by asking for God’s help!  He is the only one that can defeat the enemy for good!  You might be able to hold the enemy at bay for awhile but eventually you will weaken and fail and end right back where you started, right back at the bottom of that pit!

You see if someone had told me that all I had to do was to cry out for My Father to rescue me He would have!  All I had to do was to run under the arms of my Daddy!  I didn’t have to go through all the pain and stumble in all the sin that I went through if someone would have spoken up!  Why are we so afraid to tell someone how to get out of the pit?  No one taught me or gave me the tools in His word that could have prevented all the pain I experienced or the pain I inflicted on others. Do you want out of the pit?  Do you want to be set free?  Then let me tell you, it’s simple and it’s hard at the same time. I know your shaking your head right now but you have to start training just as Paul explained it.  He said we have to run the race to seek the prize  (1 Corinthians 9:24-25). We have to be ready and willing to run the long race and discipline our hearts and minds to climb out!  He has given us everything we need to get out of the pit.  He has given us His word, His Holy Spirit and the power of His Son’s resurrection but we have to do some work.  

Just like a rock climber can’t be expected to climb a wall without first training their bodies to know which rock to grab, how to feel for the right footing, how to balance their bodies to leverage to the next rock.  And just like a rock climber that trains, we have a harness to catch us when we fall but we have to learn how to fall without hurting ourselves. God allowed me to fall a lot but no one taught me how to fall without hurting myself so I fell really hard multiply times. But God created me to withstand all the falls the enemy caused me to suffer. But I can not stress enough that if someone had just taken the time to teach me, to train me as a disciple of Christ, a lot of those falls could have been avoided.

I know a lot of people can’t handle the falls that I went through! The enemy is out to kill us, to kill our youth and I can’t be silent! (1 Peter 5:8). I want to talk to just the believers right now! Listen I know you have gone through a lot of pain in your walk with Him and I know it is hard to get past the heartaches and temptation that the enemy is attacking you with right now! But I urge you to run to Daddy for strength and look past your pain because there is a world that is dying and Christ is calling us to speak out! To reach out to the hurting children, women and men that are surrounded on all sides by the enemies armies and they don’t know the truth, you do!  You have God, you have Christ! Rise up! Fight for them!  You have the promise of eternal life, they don’t. Get out of your comfort zone, risk being called a Jesus freak, be humiliated for Christ call in your life, risk everything for the sake of Christ and to be usd by Him to reach His lost sheep! Those that loose their life’s will find it! (Matthew 10:39). 

To all of you that don’t know Christ and haven’t made that decision, please know God is coming to rescue you, if you want it! If you do want Him to rescue You then ask and then hold on, His children are coming, He is coming! Then you won’t be stuck in that pit and you will find hope out of the darkness!

    

Identity Crisis

I didn’t have a lot of time to go into depth about this message. I went to a women’s retreat and I needed to be filled up! I will speak in more depth about this topic because it is something that is important in these confusing times. So know there will be more on this message as the Holy Spirit gives it to me I promise I will share it!

In looking back on my childhood, I realize that the youth today are faced with similar challenges that I faced as a child.  At a very early age, I longed for my parents to accept and love me just like any child would have wanted.  Sadly that was never my reality. While growing up in such a turbulent environment, I often wanted to be anything but me.  My dad never gave me the love I so longed for and throughout my childhood I thought that if I had just been born a boy, that maybe, just maybe, he might love me.  All throughout my childhood, I would dress and act just like a boy.  My grandmother tried desperately to get me to act like a girl. She would try and put me in dresses and I would just rip them off. She would try and keep me clean but I would just go outside and roll in the dirt to get dirty again. I now feel terrible for putting her through so much frustration! I played with GI Joes figures instead of dolls, kept my hair short, played with the roughest boys in the neighborhood, played football, baseball, basketball and any other kind of sport that the boys played, just to get my dad’s attention.  Anything they said that only a boy could do, I would learn to do.  My whole childhood was centered on becoming a boy and hating the fact that I was born a girl!  I didn’t realize it then but now I know that I struggled with an Identity Crisis.    

This may not speak to some of you, but to others I might be hitting a core of what you are struggling with. Now some of you might think if God had touched me at such an early age and even spoke to me at the time of my mother’s death, why then did I struggle with such deep feelings of unworthiness? Didn’t I know His deep love and acceptance for me?  The sad truth is I didn’t. The enemy had such a strong hold on me and I carried such heavy chains of loneliness and self doubt and this came from the grip the enemy had on my family.  The enemy wanted to keep me in that pit, to never allow me to be set free and I didn’t have anyone really to speak into my life the words of love and acceptance that God wanted me to know. It took me so long to hear and receive God’s truth. To truly be set free from all the lies and bondage I was in.  It took a desire, that only God could give me, to slowly start crawling out of that pit. 

I know that many of you are in that pit right now. That you can’t seem to find any way to get out or to even see any light to find your way out.  This world is speaking to you, telling you lies about who you are and that there is no way out.  But I am living proof that there is a way out!  God can tell you who you are but you have to ask for Him to lead you, to give you the desire to want to get out and then you will find it, if you truly want it.  Let me tell you that you are not a mistake.  You were not born a boy in a girls body.  The confusion you are feeling is not from God but from the god of this world. You were perfectly formed in your mother’s womb, to be an instrument of His beauty and glory. The enemy of your soul wants to keep you confused and in torment.  The enemy is not only confusing you but maybe those around you telling you that if you feel you were born a boy or girl or gay or anything else than what you truly were born to be, please please don’t buy into it! The truth and the light is telling you something else and you will never be truly free unless you know the God, the one true God, that sets the captive free. Don’t fall for the world’s lies and deception. You were born the way He made you, for a purpose and if you surrender to His will and only His will then you wil be set free. You will find peace, love, joy and acceptance.  To settle for anything else is to trade His will for your life for a lie! 

I plead with you to not quit until you find truth through His Son Jesus Christ!  Then you will know the truth that truly sets you free and gives you “Hope out fo the darkness”. 

Journey Out Of The Pit

Deep in the Pit: To continue with the history, the readers must understand that I was a very  unruly child. I would often get into fights, lie, steal and often beat up my sister. I loved my  sister very much, she was so delicate and gentle, so different than anyone else I had seen or experienced in my family. When I beat her, it was my way of expressing my love to her, after all that was what love was right? It was the only expression of love I knew. I learned how to fight in elementary school. My sister and I were among the only white kids in that school in the early seventies and we lived in the south where there was and still is a lot of racial tensions. I fought to protect my sister and myself. For the first three years that is what school was to me, fighting. In my fourth grade, our governor desegregated the schools and we started to get a lot of white kids in the school. They were all so frightened and I ended up being one of the worst bullies in the school. I remember at one point a very young white teacher asked my dad to come to school and she spoke to him in the hallway begging him to take us out of the school. I am grateful for this experience because it taught me, for a short time, what it felt like to be the minority. Because of that experience, I have never consciously judged anyone by the color of their skin.
In my grandmother’s neighborhood, there were a group of kids that lived across the street from her house. She did not want me to play with them and often would call them “white trash” and she thought they would be a bad influence on me and my sister. As soon as she called them “white trash”, I immediately wanted to hang out with them. I came to realize later in my life, that that is how I saw myself. I was trash, the unlovable, untouchable, ugly and all the other negative names you can think of. I thought, well if they’re trash, then they should accept me. The day I got baptized, we came back to my grandmother’s house and all the uncles were there and I went outside to play with these kids while my grandmother was cooking a special dinner for me. We were playing with walkie talkies and one of the kids got me mad and I started to cuss at him over the walkie talkie. His mom heard it and then dragged me to my grandmother’s house. In front of ALL the family she shouted what I had done and then my family proceeded to laugh so hard at what I had done. I was so embarrassed and thought now how could God love me after I did that? This is how the enemy kept me in the pit that I had been born in.
I struggled off and on to try to draw closer to God but still felt all alone, angry and unlovable. Right before I turned ten, my parents moved away from the rental house that was two doors down from my grandmother. We moved to another part of town and my sister and I started at another school. My behavior did not change and I even started to skip school. This was in the mid-seventies when “free love”and drugs were everywhere. I started hanging out with another girl from school and we would often skip school. I remember once going to a house where she said we could get some “cool” stuff. When I walked in the house, people were laying on the floors in just their underwear and wouldn’t respond at all. I felt really scared! The girl wanted to stay but I told her I needed to go and I ran as fast as I could! My dad found out I skipped school that day and I got a beating so bad I couldn’t sit very comfortable for days! Looking back on it now, I realize that God gave me that fear to not stay in that house. I never did get into drugs and I am very thankful He protected me from that, but the enemy was attempting to dig me deeper in the pit I was born in.

One night our phone rang. I was asleep in my bed, but when I heard the phone ring, I sat up immediately. I remember feeling incredibly sad, alone and like this darkness was consuming me. I started to cry but I didn’t know why. I heard my dad ask, “when did it happen? Is she dead?” I instantly knew it was my mother. I felt like I was sinking in that pit, like quicksand was sucking me in. When I started to feel the darkness consume me, I heard this still small voice speak to me. It said,

“I will never leave you nor forsake you!” Deuteronomy 31:18

I instantly felt hope, that I was loved and that I wasn’t alone. Where did that voice come from? Some would say that I heard my grandmother read that to me or that the preacher spoke about it or the Sunday school teacher taught it to me. Some people would say that the Holy Spirit spoke it to me. To me it doesn’t matter, the bottom line was God spoke! He spoke to an eleven year old girl who was lost in a very deep pit, that He loved her, that she wasn’t alone! That she was loved with an immeasurable love and no matter how deep a pit she was in, He would be with her and not only be with her, but help her to get out of the pit.


Looking back on these experiences God wants me to share with you; He wants me to show you that no matter how bad your experiences are, no matter how deep the pit is that you are in, God will begin to show you signs of light. My signs were my grandmother’s love for Jesus, my Sunday school teacher, the preacher that spoke about His love, my step-mother’s kind words and ultimately His word, His voice! He will show you how to get out and He will give you the strength to climb out! The enemy only wants you to see the darkness, but there is light. It is all around you! Pick up His word, start talking to Him! I promise He is listening. He can show you the light! He can give you the strength. He can point you to the truth and you can find “Hope out of the darkness”.

If God Is So Good

Many people have asked the question, ͞”If God exists and is so good, then why does He allow terrible things to happen to good people, especially innocent children?” This question has been debated and asked for a very long time and it has caused many people to not even believe in God’s existence. I first must tell you that I am not a theologian. I have studied the bible in depth for almost thirty years and have come to understand that God’s actions cannot be explained by human wisdom but by experiences, His Word and His Spirit. When bad things happen and we begin to ask these types of questions, we will find ourselves at a crossroad. We can either adopt the world’s wisdom and allow the “bad” things to hardened our hearts towards God OR we can allow the “bad” things to soften our hearts, run to God and allow Him to teach us His wisdom and compassion.
I can say this because I was an innocent child, who experienced unspeakable pain and trauma from the moment I was born. The horror of those experiences made me feel empty, unworthy and a shell of a person for a long time. I have felt led to share one particular experience to allow you to see a side of God that is rarely seen, to help you ponder God’s mercy, grace and wisdom over the cruelty of this experience.

As I mentioned in my first blog, “History Introduction”, I was sexually abused by my older half- brother. Now I wasn’t just “touched”or “fondled”, I was forced into sexual acts by my brother. Being “touched” or “fondled” is in itself a horrible thing to happen to any child and I certainly do not want to demean or minimize anyone who has experienced such pain, but I need you to understand the depth of these horrible acts. I discussed that I experienced flashbacks as an adult from these traumas and could not explain why I had these flashbacks. My mind had buried these traumas deep inside because, as a child, my mind could not process what was happening to me. I finally decided to go to Christian counseling to get help dealing with my anxieties, fears, the flashbacks and depression. I know a lot of people refuse to go to counseling, especially Christian counseling, because they have had bad experiences or they don’t see the need in counseling. All I can say is that it helped me tremendously, but I had to find the “right” counselor and have had my share of bad ones before I found a truly Godly one.

During one of my sessions with my counselor, I had had a very bad flashback a few days before. My counselor began the session in prayer and then asked me to close my eyes and recall the flashback. To describe what I was experiencing, feeling, etc. The counselor did not want me to describe what was happening to me but what I was experiencing. I can’t tell you how grateful I was that I did not have to describe the gory details, but only describe the experience. I remember feeling horrified, fearful but at the same time numb. It was like I was telling a horrible nightmare that someone else had experienced. Then the counselor asked me something very odd, she asked me “where was God when you were going through this?” I had never even thought to ask that question. I don’t know why I never thought to ask that question but I didn’t. I mean after all He was God, who was I to question Him? But at that moment I felt safe to ask it. “God where were you when I was going through this? We’re you there? Did you even care?”

I was so scared to ask it not for fear of questioning God but I had the overwhelming fear that if He did speak to me, He would tell me it was because I deserved it, that I was not worthy to be loved. I had certainly felt that as a young child, but I didn’t want God to confirm those thoughts and feelings. But in that moment I was ready to hear whatever He wanted to tell me. I was ready to know the answer and by knowing, I hoped that the flashbacks would stop and I would finally know how God truly felt about me.  I half way expected that He wouldn’t reveal anything, the enemy was working overtime telling me that this was nuts, that nothing would happen and that I was stupid to expect God to reveal anything to me. But out of hope and faith, I waited and the counselor waited patiently, to see what God might do. Quite a bit of time passed as we waited and then I had this sense of something in my mind’s eye. I sensed God holding me in the corner of that room. What was weird is, I still sensed my body going through the trauma on the bed while God was holding me. I couldn’t figure out what I was sensing and then I heard this whisper in my spirit. I heard Him say to me, “I was there. I was holding your soul while your body was going through it. I love you and guarded your soul from being damaged”. I fell to the floor and wept.

I eventually gained the ability to speak and told my counselor what I sensed and heard. I thought I had lost it and that the counselor was going to start writing a prescription for my delusion. Instead the counselor expressed joy over what God had revealed to me. I honestly can’t remember much of what the counselor and I discussed after that. I was in such awe of God loving and caring for me. I felt a flood of joy, peace and relief like a huge weight was gone! I knew at that moment that God loved me, that He had always loved me and protected me, even through the most awful experiences. He was with me in those dark places and was there every moment. In Psalms 23 David describes this kind of love and faithfulness that God has towards us. Particularly in verse 4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”.

I believe He is with every child, because they are innocent. Evil occurs through man’s free will not to love, obey and serve God. It is by man’s choice that evil is in this world. I believe that when we experience evil in all it’s forms, whether it is through acts of violence, lust, greed, selfishness,etc.. It is because we have allowed our pain to harden our hearts towards God and out of that pain, we can hurt others. I don’t hate my half-brother for what he did to me. He did those things out of his own pain and selfishness. Who I hate is the enemy of our souls. Every evil thing he does to us is for one purpose, to get us to the point of rejecting God.
I also must make this point. God is not here for us, we are here for Him. He did not protect and heal me solely because He loves me and desires a relationship with me and wants me to feel good about myself. Although this is true, this is secondary to the main purpose. He did it because He desired to stop the generational curses that were so prevalent in my family. He did it so that I would love, obey and serve Him, that once I was healed, I would testify to His goodness and glory. This choice to give Him my life, to honor and obey Him and give my whole life to Him, is and will always be to glorify Him! To point the way to the truth through His son Jesus Christ. Once He pulled me out of the pit, He asked me to go back and pull others out of the pit. But the only way I can do that is if I am still holding on to Him because I can not do it in my own strength. I can only do it through His love, grace, mercy and will.

I am a flawed person who still is walking out my faith in fear and trembling. I make a lot of mistakes everyday but through the grace of God, I am drawing closer to Him and being molded, sometimes painfully, into the image of Christ. I am not where I should be but thank God I am not where I use to be. I am no longer in that pit, in that darkness. My hope is that once you read this, it might help some to find hope out of the darkness.

#IfGodIsSoGood #childhoodabuse #darkness

Introduction

For many years people have encouraged me to write a book about my life. I have prayed about this for a long time and thought the best venue would be to start a blog instead. The difficult part is where to start? So I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning and to describe what I know. These are the facts based on my own personal memory and from what my family has told me.

This is what I know from what my family has told me. My dad met and fell in love with my mom sometime in the early sixties. My mom got pregnant with my older sister before they were married four months before she was born. While pregnant with my sister, my mom tried to kill her by lifting large furniture. As a result of that, my sister was born three months premature and had to stay in the hospital for three months. Three months after giving birth to my sister they got pregnant with me. Now my sister was treated with “kit” gloves because my mother felt very guilty for trying to kill her. However, when I was born all the gloves were taken off!
I experienced extreme neglect, physical, mental, and sexual abuse during the five years I lived with them. I lived in a two bedroom house with three half sisters, one half brother and my sister. My dad was her third husband and the half siblings were from her second marriage. My mom was twenty-five when she gave birth to me, her sixth child. She did not want or cared to be my mother. I also know that my mother was in and out of mental institutions and had never experienced total emotional healing. She attempted suicide several times and eventually died at the age of thirty-six. The details of her death have never been clear to me but I never had the chance to get to know her, who she was or what events happened in her life to cause her such deep pain and torment. I wish I had had the opportunity to know her but that was out of my  control . Sometimes I think it was for the best but other times I wonder what would have happened if she had experienced the love that I later came to experience in my relationship with God.
I don’t feel that the details of the abuse would benefit my story or glorify God in anyway but I can say that the abuse was severe and it left me broken way up into my adult life. I also can say that my dad had no part in the abuse and was not aware of the abuses until just ten years ago. He and I never bonded for reasons I am not aware of. He did express a certain amount of regret for this and he did acknowledge that he was very concerned for me growing up because I was never held or attended to as an young child. The sexual abuse was done with my mother’s knowledge and came from my half brother. I have no relationship with him and have heard varying stories of what happened to him. What my dad has told me is that he was a pedophile and went to prison.

I can tell you that the affects of the abuse left me with deep scars and I started to experience flash backs of the abuse when I was an adult. Once I began to study other abuses, I came to understand that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD, from the trauma. The sexual abuse started when I was three and continued for two years. The sexual abuse was extensive and constant in those two years and no one knew or cared to stop it. The physical abuse and neglect came from my mother and siblings, who were caught up in their own chaos to even notice the nightmare that I was going through. I can tell you that I went through a lot of Godly counsel and can say with all my heart  that I have forgiven him and my mother for the abuses.
When I was five I ended up living with my grandmother who was also taking care of her elderly mother. She was a Godly women who took care of me the best she could and taught me about Jesus! I am forever grateful for her care and love towards me. I never bonded with my step grandfather, who in my opinion was a very hard man who did not want or care for me in the least. I often would be in conflict with him in regards to his attitude towards others of differing skin color. He was a deacon of a church but did not display love towards people that I witnessed, especially me or my sister. He would often demean my sister and I and did nothing to make us feel loved or wanted. The other family members were not much better. We were often treated as a nuisance and we often were told “we should be seen and not heard”.

Now my childhood was not all bad. My dad remarried when I was eight and we moved two doors down from my grandmother for a couple of years. Although my step mom and grandmother didn’t always agree on parenting, they did give me a sense of family and a feeling of being loved and wanted! I love my step mom and she instilled in me the first feelings of  worth. During that time, I attended my grandmothers church and really loved children’s bible study.  I remember that I often would ask the Sunday school teacher questions, which to her  dismay she could not answer but treated me with love and a lot of patience!
One Sunday a guest preacher came to the church and spoke so differently than any preacher I had heard before. He talked about Jesus as a friend, someone who loved me! I felt my first connection to God during that sermon. I was so lonely and had felt no human connection with anyone until then. They began to sing an old hymnal that talked about His love for me and how He wanted to be my friend. I ran to the altar and gave my life to him with all my heart. My grandmother was the only Christian in my family and her sons, including my dad, began to  make fun of me for this decision. They would often mock my grandmother and then me, once I gave my life to him. My dad often would say, “You know we came from monkey’s right? And you know there is no such thing as God?”  This was the beginning of my long struggle in my walk with God. I often would disagree with my dad and my uncles but my faith and love for God slowly weaned in time and I turned away from my walk with Him but I never stopped believing in Him. I just thought I was not worthy of him.
During my time in counseling I would often say to my counselor, “something is wrong with me, I need you to fix me!” My counselor would challenge me and say, ͞Why do you think you need fixing? Could it possibly be that you came from a family that was broken? Maybe the problem lies in that and not you?” It took me a long to believe it, but she was right. I came from a very broken family, who did not get healing from all their brokenness and therefore they caused the brokenness to just continue throughout the generations. I know now that God wanted me in this world and that He brought me here to stop what I came to understand as generational curses. He created me in such a way to where I could withstand all the abuses, all the neglect, rejection, abandonment and loneliness. He used those things to draw me to Himself and then start fresh from there. I am not perfect and it has taken me along time to allow God to break all the damage that the enemy caused but I am now free to live and serve the living God!

This is why I am starting this blog. I know that my story is not unique, that there are many others out there that need to hear this story! To know that there is hope, healing and restoration! That they don’t have to feel the deep pangs of loneliness and that they are never alone and that they are loved with such a deep love that no human can truly express but can only find in the person of Jesus Christ. I pray that if you are searching for healing, for a sense of belonging and love, that you would consider what I have written and that I may in some small way encourage you to the road that leads you to “Hope Out Of The Darkness”.