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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This blog was started to help others know that they are not alone in their experiences. By sharing my experiences I hope to help others to know that they are not alone and that there is a God who loves them deeply.

It is hard to share some of my experiences but it is done to be an encouragement and to point them to God and that is the only reason.

God bless you and all I ask that if these blogs help you, then please like, comment and share with others.

Thank you!

Identity Crisis

I didn’t have a lot of time to go into depth about this message. I went to a women’s retreat and I needed to be filled up! I will speak in more depth about this topic because it is something that is important in these confusing times. So know there will be more on this message as the Holy Spirit gives it to me I promise I will share it!

In looking back on my childhood, I realize that the youth today are faced with the same challenges that I faced.  At a very early age, I longed for my parents to accept and love me just like any child would have wanted.  Sadly that was never my reality. While growing up in such a turbulent environment, I often wanted to be anything but me.  My dad never gave me the love I so longed for and throughout my childhood I thought that if I had just been born a boy, that maybe, just maybe, he might love me.  All throughout my childhood, I would dress and act just like a boy.  My grandmother tried desperately to get me to act like a girl. She would try and put me in dresses and I would just rip them off. She would try and keep me clean but I would just go outside and roll in the dirt to get dirty again. I now feel terrible for putting her through so much frustration! I played with GI Joes figures instead of dolls, kept my hair short, played with the roughest boys in the neighborhood, played football, baseball, basketball and any other kind of sport that the boys played, just to get my dad’s attention.  Anything they said that only a boy could do, I would learn to do.  My whole childhood was centered on becoming a boy and hating the fact that I was born a girl!  I didn’t realize it then but now I know that I struggled with an Identity Crisis.    

This may not speak to some of you, but to others I might be hitting a core of what you are struggling with. Now some of you might think if God had touched me at such an early age and even spoke to me at the time of my mother’s death, why then did I struggle with such deep feelings of unworthiness? Didn’t I know His deep love and acceptance for me?  The sad truth is I didn’t. The enemy had such a strong hold on me and I carried such heavy chains of loneliness and self doubt and this came from the grip the enemy had on my family.  The enemy wanted to keep me in that pit, to never allow me to be set free and I didn’t have anyone really to speak into my life the words of love, acceptance and love that God wanted me to know. It took me so long to hear and receive God’s truth. To truly be set free from all the lies and bondage I was in.  It took a desire, that only God could give me, to slowly start crawling out of that pit. 

I know that many of you are in that pit right now. That you can’t seem to find any way to get out or to even see any light to find your way out.  This world is speaking to you, telling you lies about who you are and that there is no way out.  But I am living proof that there is a way out!  God can tell you who you are but you have to ask for Him to lead you, to give you the desire to want to get out and then you will find it, if you truly want it.  Let me tell you that you are not a mistake.  You were not born a boy in a girls body.  The confusion you are feeling is not from God but from the god of this world. You were perfectly formed in your mother’s womb, to be an instrument of His beauty and glory. The enemy of your soul wants to keep you confused and in torment.  The enemy is not only confusing you but maybe those around you telling you that if you feel you were born a boy or girl or gay or anything else that what you truly were born to be, please please don’t buy into it! The truth and the light is telling you something else and you will never be truly free unless you know the God, the one true God, that sets the captive free. Don’t fall for the world’s lies and deception. You were born the way He made you, for a purpose and if you surrender to His will and only His will then you wil be set free. You will find peace, love, joy and acceptance.  To settle for anything else is to trade His will for your life for a lie! 

I plead with you to not quit until you find truth through His Son Jesus Christ!  Then you will know the truth that truly sets you free and gives you hope out fo the darkness. 

Journey Out Of The Pit

Deep in the Pit: To continue with the history, the readers must understand that I was a very  unruly child. I would often get into fights, lie, steal and often beat up my sister. I loved my  sister very much, she was so delicate and gentle, so different than anyone else I had seen or experienced in my family. When I beat her, it was my way of expressing my love to her, after all that was what love was right? It was the only expression of love I knew. I learned how to fight in elementary school. My sister and I were among the only white kids in that school in the early seventies and we lived in the south where there was and still is a lot of racial tensions. I fought to protect my sister and to protect myself. For the first three years that is what school was to
me, fighting. In my fourth grade, our governor desegregated the schools and we started to get a lot of white kids in the school. They were all so frightened and I ended up being one of the worst bullies in the school. I remember at one point a very young white teacher asked my dad to come to school and she spoke to him in the hallway begging him to take us out of the school. I am grateful for this experience because it taught me, for a short time, what it felt like to be the minority. Because of that experience, I have never consciously judged anyone by the color of their skin.
In my grandmother’s neighborhood, there were a group of kids that lived across the street from her house. She did not want me to play with them and often would call them “white trash” and she thought they would be a bad influence on me and my sister. As soon as she called them “white trash”, I immediately wanted to hang out with them. I came to realize later in my life, that that is how I saw myself. I was trash, the unlovable, untouchable, ugly and all the other negative names you can think of. I thought, well if they’re trash, then they should accept me. The day I got baptized, we came back to my grandmother’s house and all the uncles were there and I went outside to play with these kids while my grandmother was cooking a special dinner for me. We were playing wth walkie talkies and one of the kids got me mad and I started to cuss at him over the walkie talkie. His mom heard it and then dragged me to my grandmother’s house. In front of ALL the family she shouted what I had done and then my family proceeded to laugh so hard at what I had done. I was so embarrassed and thought now how could God love me after I did that? This is how the enemy kept me in the pit that I had been born in.
I struggled off and on to try to draw closer to God but still felt all alone, angry and unlovable. Right before I turned ten, my parents moved away from the rental house that was two doors down from my grandmother. We moved to another part of town and my sister and I started at another school. My behavior did not change and I even started to skip school. This was in the mid-seventies when “free love”and drugs were everywhere. I started hanging out with another girl from school and we would often skip school. I remember once going to a house where she said we could get some “cool” stuff. When I walked in the house, people were laying on the floors in just their underwear and wouldn’t respond at all. I felt really scared! The girl wanted to stay but I told her I needed to go and I ran as fast as I could! My dad found out I skipped school that day and I got a beating so bad I couldn’t sit very comfortable for days!
Looking back on it now, I realize that God gave me that fear to not stay in that house. I never did get into drugs and I am very thankful He protected me from that, but the enemy was attempting to dig me deeper in the pit I was born in.
One night our phone rang. I was asleep in my bed, but when I heard the phone ring, I sat up immediately. I remember feeling incredibly sad, alone and like this darkness was consuming me. I started to cry but I didn’t know why. I heard my dad ask, “when did it happen? Is she dead?” I instantly knew it was my mother. I felt like I was sinking in that pit, like quicksand was sucking me in. When I started to feel the darkness consume me, I heard this still small voice speak to me. It said,

“I will never leave you nor forsake you!” Deuteronomy 31:18

I instantly felt hope, that I was loved and that I wasn’t alone. Where did that voice come from? Some would say that I heard my grandmother read that to me or that the preacher spoke about it or the Sunday school teacher taught it to me. Some people would say that the Holy Spirit spoke it to me. To me it doesn’t matter, the bottom line was God spoke! He spoke to an eleven year old girl who was lost in a very deep pit, that He loved her, that she wasn’t alone! That she was loved with an
immeasurable love and no matter how deep a pit she was in, He would be with her and not only be with her, but help her to get out of the pit.


Looking back on these experiences God wants me to share with you; He wants me to show you that no matter how bad your experiences are, no matter how deep the pit is that you are in, God will begin to show you signs of light. My signs were my grandmother’s love for Jesus, my Sunday school teacher, the preacher that spoke about His love, my step-mother’s kind words and ultimately His word, His voice! He will show you how to get out and He will give you the strength to climb out! The enemy only wants you to see the darkness, but there is light. It is all around you! Pick up His word, start talking to Him! I promise He is listening. He can show you the light! He can give you the strength. He can point you to the truth and you can find hope out of the darkness.

If God Is So Good

Many people have asked the question, ͞If God exists and is so good, then why does He allow terrible things to happen to good people, especially innocent children? This question has been debated and asked for a very long time and it has caused many people to not even believe in God’s existence. I first must tell you that I am not a theologian. I have studied the bible in depth for almost thirty years and have come to understand that God’s actions cannot be explained by human wisdom but by experiences, His Word and His Spirit. When bad things happen and we begin to ask these types of questions, we will find ourselves at a crossroad. We can either adopt the world’s wisdom and allow the “bad things to hardened our hearts towards God OR we can allow the “bad” things to soften our hearts, run to God and allow Him to teach us His wisdom and compassion.
I can say this because I was an innocent child, who experienced unspeakable pain and trauma from the moment I was born. The horror of those experiences made me feel empty, unworthy and a shell of a person for a long time. I have felt led to share one particular experience to allow you to see a side of God that is rarely seen, to help you ponder God’s mercy, grace and wisdom over the cruelty of this experience. As I mentioned in my first blog, “History Introduction”, I was sexually abused by my older step- brother. Now I wasn’t just “touched”or “fondled”, I was forced into sexual acts by my brother. Being “touched” or “fondled” is in itself a horrible thing to happen to any child and I certainly do not want to demean or minimize anyone who has experienced such pain, but I need you to understand the depth of these horrible acts. I discussed that I experienced flashbacks as an adult from these traumas and could not explain why I had these flashbacks. My mind had buried these traumas deep inside because, as a child, my mind could not process what was happening to me. I finally decided to go to Christian counseling to get help dealing with my anxieties, fears, the flashbacks and depression. I know a lot of people refuse to go to counseling, especially Christian counseling, because they have had bad experiences or they don’t see the need in counseling. All I can say is that it helped me tremendously, but I had to find the “right” counselor and have had my share of bad ones before I found a truly Godly one.

During one of my sessions with my counselor, I had had a very bad flashback a few days before. My counselor began the session in prayer and then asked me to close my eyes and recall the flashback. To describe what I had was experiencing, feeling, etc. The counselor did not want me to describe what was happening to me but what I was experiencing. I can’t tell you how grateful I was that I did not have to describe the gory details, but only describe the experience. I remember feeling horrified, fearful but at the same time numb. It was like I was telling a horrible nightmare that someone else had experienced. Then the counselor asked me something very odd, she asked me “where was God when you were going through this?” I had never even thought to ask that question. I don’t know why I never thought to ask that question but I didn’t. I mean after all He was God, who was I to question Him? But at that moment I felt safe to ask it. “God where were you when I was going through this? We’re you there? Did you even care?”

I was so scared to ask it not for fear of questioning God but I had the overwhelming fear that if He did speak to me, He would tell me it was because I deserved it, that I was not worthy to be loved. I had certainly felt that as a young child, but I didn’t want God to confirm those thoughts and feelings. But in that moment I was ready to hear whatever He wanted to tell me. I was ready to know the answer and by knowing, I hoped that the flashbacks would stop and I would finally know how God truly felt about me.  I half way expected that He wouldn’t reveal anything, the enemy was working overtime telling me that this was nuts, that nothing would happen and that I was stupid to expect God to reveal anything to me. But out of hope and faith, I waited and the counselor waited patiently, to see what God might do. Quite a bit of time passed as we waited and then I had this sense of something in my mind’s eye. I sensed God holding me in the corner of that room. What was weird is, I still sensed my body going through the trauma on the bed while God was holding me. I couldn’t figure out what I was sensing and then I heard this whisper in my spirit. I heard Him say to me, “I was there. I was holding your soul while your body was going through it. I love you and guarded your soul from being damaged”. I fell to the floor and wept.

I eventually gained the ability to speak and told my counselor what I sensed and heard. I thought I had lost it and that the counselor was going to start writing a prescription for my delusion. Instead the counselor expressed joy over what God had revealed to me. I honestly can’t remember much of what the counselor and I discussed after that. I was in such awe of God loving and caring for me. I felt a flood of joy, peace and relief like a huge weight was gone! I knew at that moment that God loved me, that He had always loved me and protected me, even through the most awful experiences. He was with me in those dark places and was there every moment. In Psalms 23 David describes this kind of love and faithfulness that God has towards us. Particularly in verse 4 “͞Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”.

I believe He is with every child, because they are innocent. Evil occurs through man’s free will not to love, obey and serve God. It is by man’s choice that evil is in this world. I believe that when we experience evil in all it’s forms, whether it is through acts of violence, lust, greed, selfishness,etc.. It is because we have allowed our pain to harden our hearts towards God and out of that pain, we can hurt others. I don’t hate my step-brother for what he did to me. He did those things out of his own pain and selfishness. Who I hate is the enemy of our souls. Every evil thing he does to us is for one purpose, to get us to the point of rejecting God.
I also must make this point. God is not here for us, we are here for Him. He did not protect and heal me solely because He loves me and desires a relationship with me and wants me to feel good about myself. Although this is true, this is secondary to the main purpose. He did it because He desired to stop the generational curses that were so prevalent in my family. He did it so that I would love, obey and serve Him, that once I was healed I would testify to His goodness and glory. This choice to give Him my life, to honor and obey Him and give my whole life to Him, is and will always be to glorify Him! To point the way to the truth through His son Jesus Christ. Once He pulled me out of the pit, He asked me to go back and pull others out of the pit. But the only way I can do that is if I am still holding on to Him because I can not do it in my own strength. I can only do it through His love, grace, mercy and will.

I am a flawed person who still is walking out my faith in fear and trembling. I make a lot of mistakes everyday but through the grace of God, I am drawing closer to Him and being molded, sometimes painfully, into the image of Christ. I am not where I should be but thank God I am not where I use to be. I am no longer in that pit, in that darkness. My hope is that once you read this, it might help some to find hope out of the darkness.

#IfGodIsSoGood #childhoodabuse #darkness

Introduction

For many years people have encouraged me to write a book about my life. I have prayed about this for a long time and thought the best venue would be to start a blog instead. The difficult part is where to start? So I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning and to describe what I know. These are the facts based on my own personal memory and from what my family has told me.

This is what I know from what my family has told me. My dad met and fell in love with my mom sometime in the early sixties. My mom got pregnant with my older sister before they were married four months before she was born. While pregnant with my sister, my mom tried to kill her by lifting large furniture. As a result of that, my sister was born three months premature and had to stay in the hospital for three months. Three months after giving birth to my sister they got pregnant with me. Now my sister was treated with “kit” gloves because my mother felt very guilty for trying to kill her. However, when I was born all the gloves were taken off!
I experienced extreme neglect, physical, mental, and sexual abuse during the five years I lived with them. I lived in a two bedroom house with three half sisters, one half brother and my sister. My dad was her third husband and the half siblings were from her second marriage. My mom was twenty-five when she gave birth to me, her sixth child. She did not want or cared to be my mother. I also know that my mother was in and out of mental institutions and had never experienced total emotional healing. She attempted suicide several times and eventually died at the age thirty-six. The details of her death have never been clear to me but I never had the chance to get to know her, who she was or what events happened in her life to cause her such deep pain and torment. I wish I had had the opportunity to know her but that was out of my  control . Sometimes I think it was for the best but other times I wonder what would have happened if she had experienced the love that I later came to experience in my relationship with God.
I don’t feel that the details of the abuse would benefit my story or glorify God in anyway but I can say that the abuse was severe and it left me broken way up into my adult life. I also can say that my dad had no part in the abuse and was not aware of the abuses until just ten years ago. He and I never bonded for reasons I am not aware of. He did express a certain amount of regret for this and he did acknowledge that he was very concerned for me growing up because I was never held or attended to as an young child. The sexual abuse was done with my mother’s knowledge and came from my half brother. I have no relationship with him and have heard varying stories of what happened to him. What my dad has told me is that he was a pedophile and went to prison.

I can tell you that the affects of the abuse left me with deep scars and I started to experience flash backs of the abuse when I was an adult. Once I began to study other abuses, I came to understand that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD, from the trauma. The sexual abuse started when I was three and continued for two years. The sexual abuse was extensive and constant in those two  and no one knew or cared to stop it. The physical abuse and neglect came from my mother and siblings, who were caught up in their own chaos to even notice the nightmare that I was going through. I can tell you that I went through a lot of Godly counsel and can say with all my heart  that I have forgiven him and my mother for the abuses.
When I was five I ended up living with my grandmother who was also taking care of her elderly mother. She was a Godly women who took care of me the best she could and taught me about Jesus! I am forever grateful for her care and love towards me. I never bonded with my step grandfather, who in my opinion was a very hard man who did not want or care for me in the least. I often would be in conflict with him in regards to his attitude towards others of differing skin color. He was a deacon of a church but did not display love towards people that I witnessed, especially me or my sister. He would often demean my sister and I and did nothing to make us feel loved or wanted. The other family members were not much better. We were often treated as a nuisance and we often were told “we should be seen and not heard”.

Now my childhood was not all bad. My dad remarried when I was eight and we moved two doors down from my grandmother for a couple of years. Although my step mom and grandmother didn’t always agree on parenting, they did give me a sense of family and a feeling of being loved and wanted! I love my step mom and she instilled in me the first feelings of  worth. During that time, I attended my grandmothers church and really loved children’s bible  study. I remember that I often would ask the Sunday school teacher questions, which to her  dismay she could not answer but treated me with love and a lot of patience!
One Sunday a guest preacher came to the church and spoke so differently than any preacher I had heard before. He talked about Jesus as a friend, someone who loved me! I felt my first connection to God during that sermon. I was so lonely and had felt no human connection with anyone until then. They began to sing an old hymnal that talked about His love for me and how He wanted to be my friend. I ran to the altar and gave my life to him with all my heart. My grandmother was the only Christian in my family and her sons, including my dad, began to  make fun of me for this decision. They would often mock my grandmother and then me, once I gave my life to him. My dad often would say, “You know we came from monkey’s right? And you know there is no such thing as God?”  This was the beginning of my long struggle in my walk with God. I often would disagree with my dad and my uncles but my faith and love for God slowly weaned in time and I turned away from my walk with Him but I never stopped believing in Him. I just thought I was not worthy of him.
During my time in counseling I would often say to my counselor, “something is wrong with me, I need you to fix me!” My counselor would challenge me and say, ͞Why do you think you need fixing? Could it possibly be that you came from a family that was broken? Maybe the problem lies in that and not you?” It took me a long to believe it, but she was right. I came from a very broken family, who did not get healing from all their brokenness and therefore they caused the brokenness to just continue throughout the generations. I know now that God wanted me in this world and that He brought me here to stop what I came to understand as generational curses. He created me in such a way to where I could withstand all the abuses, all the neglect, rejection, abandonment and loneliness. He used those things to draw me to Himself and then start fresh from there. I am not perfect and it has taken me along time to allow God to break all the damage that the enemy caused but I am now free to live and serve the living God!

This is why I am starting this blog. I know that my story is not unique, that there are many others out there that need to hear this story! To know that there is hope, healing and restoration! That they don’t have to feel the deep pangs of loneliness and that they are never alone and that they are loved with such a deep love that no human can truly express but can only find in the person of Jesus Christ. I pray that if you are searching for healing, for a sense of belonging and love, that you would consider what I have written and that I may in some small way encourage you to the road that leads you to “Hope Out Of The Darkness”.